We cannot write the foreword to your new book. To do so would be to admit culpability in your writing career. It is distressing enough that you cite us in connection with your decision to write. Of course a fair amount of collateral damage is to be expected when one aims for the complete and utter subjugation of the universe, but we cannot be held responsible for your misdemeanors against humanity.

We object to the images that creep into our minds when we read your work – images which you gleefully and unconscionably put there. Foreskins used for Chinese garter. Boogers extracted and consumed as dietary supplements. Earwax collected for the same purpose.

Please do not attempt to contact us as we are guarded by attack cats who collect retractable body parts.

Taken from the book’s Foreword
by Jessica Zafra
Columnist and talk show host